The Intentions Christmas Classic
by Caiman
Summary: A month late, due to "blackout". Fuyutsuki reflects on squandered Christmases past...


Intentions: The Christmas Classic By: Caiman  
  
DISCLAIMER: Gainax, I am full of holiday cheer, not money. Don't sue me.  
  
AN: Just pretend that a lot of stuff didn't happen. That's all I can say really.  
  
Reading: "" - Denotes speaking '' - Denotes thinking || - Denotes sound effects //// - Denotes translation  
  
Ho, ho, GO!  
  
INTENTIONS  
  
Kozo Fuyutsuki looked out of his office window at the eternal summer of the Geofront. He had been about fifty-seven when he'd last seen snow. It was one of those little things that reminded him about the terrible, scorched husk the Earth had become. With a heavy sigh, he closed the blinds and returned to his desk.  
  
The old man used to love Christmas, but the last sixteen years had afforded him little time to enjoy the season. The charm of a celebration of life seemed to dull in comparison to the coming apocalypse.  
  
That's when it hit him.  
  
A wan smile crept across Kozo's wrinkled visage as he left his office.  
  
-------------  
  
Makoto stared hard at the store display. Particularly, his eye was caught by the red jacket with white fur lining the openings. 'She would love it!'  
  
With a hop in his step and a grin on his face, the NERV technician went into the store, asked for the price of the jacket, and promptly began crying.  
  
-------------  
  
Kozo was radiant as he stepped back to look at his handiwork. Before him stood the single largest Christmas tree he'd ever seen. He'd used the NERV emergency fund and purchased as much yuletide paraphernalia as he could find in the two standing Tokyos. Then, in a frenzy of decking, he'd outfitted the largest pine tree in the GeoFront with everything he could.  
  
Needless to say, the maintenance staff was a bit pissed that they were pulled from their normal duties to aid the Sub-Commander in his endeavor. But, since Section 2 was employed to keep them in line, they kept their complaints to themselves.  
  
"It's absolutely fantastic! My God, I can feel the spirit of those squandered Christmases coursing through my veins!"  
  
One of the scientists he'd commandeered walked up behind him. "Sir, shall I turn on the power?" "LET THE JUICE FLOW, ELF!"  
  
"Stop calling me that."  
  
--------------  
  
There were not many joys in Gendo Ikari's life. Really, all the Commander had was his work and his Children (not so much the Second, though). But there was something to be said about the peace and quiet of the restroom, which was the only place Gendo could contemplate the little things in life.  
  
He was in the middle of such contemplation when two very disgruntled women bashed down the door.  
  
Despite his awkward position, the squatting Ikari regarded the pair coolly. "Major, Doctor. What can I do for you?"  
  
Misato Katsuragi, the Operations Director of NERV, started first. "Sir, Commander Fuyutsuki has taken our people by force."  
  
Gendo looked quizzical.  
  
Ritsuko Akagi picked up where Misato had left off. "He used his control over Section 2 to essentially steal our staff in order to decorate a tree in the GeoFront, sir."  
  
"Uh huh."  
  
Gendo pulled up his britches and moved past his two subordinates to observe his right hand man dancing like a consummate ass around the tannenbaum. He allowed a brief shudder before turning to the women.  
  
"Just leave the man alone with his celebration."  
  
Misato was compelled to object. "But, sir-!"  
  
"That's my order. Are you contesting it, Major?"  
  
She could only grumble.  
  
"That is all I have to say. Dismissed."  
  
As the Major shuffled out of the room, Ritsuko stopped short of the door and turned.  
  
"You're just going to let him do whatever the hell he wants?"  
  
"He's not hurting anyone."  
  
"Except our budget."  
  
The Commander stiffened a bit at this.  
  
Ritsuko pressed on. "Yep, he drained our emergency budget to fund this. thing."  
  
"I'll look into it, Doctor."  
  
"You should do more than look into it, Ikari!"  
  
"I said you were dismissed."  
  
Seeing that she would make no more headway, Ritsuko stormed out and slammed the door behind her.  
  
A stern expression returned to Gendo's face as he contemplated exactly how much alcohol he'd need to forget who he was.  
  
--------------------  
  
The epitome of indecisiveness, Shinji Ikari stood between two very attractive women. One was a German redhead, wrapped in a crushed red velvet "sassy Santa" suit complete with hat. The other was a pale blue-haired girl, wearing a fluffy green jacket with a silver-trimmed beret. And above, mistletoe hung ominously.  
  
A misstep here meant certain death.  
  
Asuka smiled at the terrified Ikari. "Come on, Shinji, just get over here and kiss me!"  
  
Rei gave her rebuttal. "No, Shin-chan, you must kiss me."  
  
"Like hell, ice queen! Shinji's lips belong to me!"  
  
"The only thing that you have is a horrible sense of disillusionment."  
  
"Bite me, you chilly wench!"  
  
"As soon as you shut your goddamn mouth!"  
  
"I'll snap you in half, bitch!"  
  
"The only thing that's gonna get snapped is your self-esteem!"  
  
"Bring it, ho-bag."  
  
"Fine. Shinji, watch me kick her sorry. Shinji?"  
  
The two girls turned to see that the object of their affection had made use of the Emergency Escape Shaft to good effect.  
  
The same thought crossed both minds. "Jerk."  
  
--------------  
  
The winding darkness raced past Shinji's face as light came into view. He flew out of the EES and into an unsuspecting Ritsuko. A surprised squeak escaped her throat as she was launched into the wall and unconsciousness. Slowly, the young Ikari rolled off of the doctor's limp form and ambled away from the scene, kicking clipboards and files as he went.  
  
As he fled the scene, Shigeru Aoba came out of a nearby door and saw Ritsuko lying on the ground before him. For a moment, he questioned if this was in fact too good to be true.  
  
"Eh, what the hell."  
  
With that, he hoisted the knocked out blonde onto his shoulder and headed for the nearest broom closet.  
  
-----------------------  
  
He couldn't see why everyone was complaining. This was a damn good party, and worth every penny from the budget.  
  
Gendo Ikari smiled to himself as he knocked back some tasty eggnog and grabbed a nearby tech's ass. The punch that followed told the Commander that it indeed wasn't a woman. Fuyutsuki came up beside his superior and put his arm around him. "Isn't this a bitchin' Christmas party, sir?"  
  
"Yeah it is!"  
  
"You know what I think we should do?"  
  
"Decorate the EVAs?"  
  
"That's right!"  
  
"Sweetness!"  
  
A high-five was given as the two headed for the cages.  
  
----------------------------  
  
'Where the hell is he?'  
  
That one thought coursed through Asuka Langley Sorhyu's mind as she continued to search for Shinji. So far, she'd checked at least half of the rooms in the NERV headquarters, and she hadn't found the object of her affection. That damned Ayanami probably found him by now.  
  
She gritted her teeth as she opened a broom closet. Her response wasn't surprising.  
  
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING AOBA?"  
  
He was startled to say the least, and for good reason. There he was, wearing Ritsuko's attire as he leaned down to kiss what looked like a blonde version of himself. He tried to explain away the situation. However, calling it accidental rendered his excuse less than believable. Asuka just shook her head and walked away.  
  
--------------------  
  
Rei was more fortunate than Asuka. She'd found Shinji cowering in the command center, hoping to evade another romantic conflict. Alas, it seemed like it was not to be when Rei began peppering the poor boy's face with kisses. Then, when she threw him against a console, the screen lighted up to show probably one of the most interesting scenes either of them had ever witnessed.  
  
Crimson eyes looked on in confusion as each EVA was outfitted with what looked like tinsel and antlers by two very excited men. Immediately, the girl dropped Shinji to the floor and ran to the seventh cage in a panic. Shinji lay there for a moment, wondering if it was really worth getting up.  
  
"I found yooooou!"  
  
Shinji could only swallow as another pair of lips found their way to his.  
  
-----------------------TITLE FLASH--------------------- Intentions: The Christmas Classic Snow/Holiday Cheer is Destructive ---------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Rei and Asuka entered the cage at the same time, both a little more than pissed about the events transpiring before them.  
  
Asuka spoke (shouted) first. "HEY! What the hell are you doing to my beautiful EVA?!"  
  
Gendo poked his head out from behind the Unit, eggnog and SpraySno in hand. "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY YYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  
  
Apparently, he was too inebriated to answer any questions. The fact was solidified when, in the course of trying to sip his eggnog, the NERV commander instead sprayed himself in the eyes with the fake snow.  
  
He would've cried out in pain if he wasn't laughing so much. Kozo, who'd donned his favorite "beer-met" (beer helmet), was chuckling like a school girl as he continued to cover Unit 01 in wrapping paper. Asuka, now completely frustrated, charged up the restraints to the now blinded Commander and put him in a headlock. Now, the man yelped.  
  
The growling gaijin tightened the lock and twisted Gendo's head a bit. "All right, old man, you will listen and listen good. You WILL immediately scrape off all decorations on my EVA. You WILL apologize to me for doing so. And, you WILL put "HO HO HO" in big white letters across Unit 00's chest. Get me?"  
  
Gendo gurgled in agreement.  
  
"Good."  
  
With that, Asuka dropped the man and returned to the cage's catwalk. Rei, who hadn't heard what had been said, was quick to inquire. "What did you say to him, Sorhyu?"  
  
"I told him to take the decorations off of our EVAs, and polish them up real nice."  
  
"Really? All of them."  
  
"Yep."  
  
"A-arigato."  
  
"You're quite welcome."  
  
"Wanna go to the party?"  
  
"Sounds good. Let's go."  
  
-----------------------  
  
Misato was getting used to all manner of weird occurrences, but this one took the cake. Maya and Shigeru, in a fit of ennui, had taken both Shinji (conscious and bound tightly) and Ritsuko (unconscious and fairly limp) into a broom closet, swapped clothes with their captives, and began to make out with them fervently.  
  
When the Operations Director had come upon them, Aoba and Ibuki were having a rather heated argument over swapping partners (Maya for, Aoba against).  
  
Of course, they fled when the Major came upon them.  
  
And here she was, dragging two bundles of love behind her. Shinji hadn't stopped squirming for the past few minutes, and Ritsuko had apparently gained a few pounds since college. Both were becoming a strain, to say the least.  
  
Finally, Misato made it to Ritsuko's lab and hoisted the pair up on the examination table. In a display of military prowess, the purple-haired woman sliced the ropes binding Shinji with almost absurd speed and precision. She left the ball-gag in to preserve her sanity. When the boy tried to take it off, she fired a round into the air to make sure he understood.  
  
Next, she strode over to the medical supply cabinet and pulled out some smelling salts. She held them under her friend's nose until she awoke with a start.  
  
The confused doctor looked to Misato. "What happened? I feel like I've been hit by a truck."  
  
Shinji chuckled nervously through his gag.  
  
Misato spoke. "I don't know what happened, but I found you two being used for kissing practice in a broom closet."  
  
Akagi's eyes drifted over to Shinji. "Misato."  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"I didn't know you were into S and M."  
  
"Shut up, Ritsuko."  
  
----------------------------  
  
Now that he thought about it, decorating the Evangelions was probably not that great an idea.  
  
After he'd covered the entirety of EVA 01 with wrapping paper, Fuyutsuki stumbled to the command center to look at his handiwork. Gendo, slowed by his temporary blindness, was painting (in ornate white letters) a spirited holiday greeting on EVA 00. The Sub-Commander was delighted, and expressed said delight by laughing maniacally and pounding his hand off of a nearby control panel.  
  
The same panel that activated dummy plugs, one would note.  
  
---------------------------  
  
Evangelion 01 awoke from its induced slumber to discover itself bound in cheerful red and green paper. And for once in its violent life, it felt a strange warmth coursing throughout its body. Here, it saw the man who brought its pilot so much pain acting like a jackass and enjoying every moment of it. In its auditory sensors, it heard songs of cheer and love. In the air hung no dread or fear, there was only happiness and charity.  
  
In this moment, its S2 engine grew four times bigger.  
  
It broke its restraints, and rushed to join the party.  
  
------------------------------  
  
Now that he thought about it, decorating the Evangelions was probably the worst idea ever.  
  
Kozo smacked his head. "Aw, hell."  
  
-----------------------------  
  
Misato couldn't believe it.  
  
Somehow, Ritsuko had talked her into coming out to the damned party. The same party, one might recall, they were against. The Doctor's rationale was "if you can't beat'em, join'em." And for some strange reason, it made sense. A lot of sense, Misato noted, as she knocked back another entire bowl of eggnog.  
  
It was then that Makoto tapped her on the shoulder. Misato turned, and the tech presented her with a large box wrapped in gold paper.  
  
She asked the obvious question. "For me?"  
  
He gave the woman of his dreams a weak smile. "Yes, it cost me a month's salary. Merry Christmas, Major."  
  
She opened the box, her eyes greeted by a very expensive jacket she'd had her eye on since November. "Oh my God, it's just what I wanted! And it's just my size too! How did you know?"  
  
Hyuuga smiled as he remembered his intricate surveillance network, hastily destroyed when Misato happened upon one of the cameras in her bedroom. "Oh, I have my ways."  
  
Katsuragi's cheer turned to guilt. "But, I don't have anything to give you."  
  
"Don't worry about it, Major. Just seeing you smile is enough."  
  
Guilt turned to mischievousness. "Hey, I know where there's a broom closet."  
  
Makoto turned the color of the jacket. "Oh. and what about it?"  
  
"I think you get wh-"  
  
"Let's go."  
  
Taking his hand into hers, Misato led Makoto to Heaven, laughing all the way.  
  
As they disappeared, Rei and Asuka happened upon Shinji and immediately began fighting over him again. And just as they were about to tear him in half, an ominous roar caused everyone to stop dead in their tracks.  
  
The party-goers turned their eyes skyward, and there they saw something incredible.  
  
Gendo Ikari, riding atop a decked-out Evangelion Unit 01 (now oddly complete with a Santa hat) laughed as they entered the clearing. The EVA was carrying what was arguably the largest burlap sack any at the party had ever seen. It roared once more, and placed the bag on the ground.  
  
Gendo let out a merry "ho, ho, ho" before sliding down the EVA's arm.  
  
He spoke. "Ladies and gentlemen, employees of NERV! In the spirit of the season, me and EVA 01 here have went from store to store and found you all some gifts! Now, let's form a single file line! There's plenty for everyone!"  
  
The line formed rather quickly as the Commander began to distribute presents among the party-goers. The items were pretty general things (watches, nice pens, some electronics), but for his immediate staff and the Children, he picked out some special gifts.  
  
Shinji was the first to come to Gendo. "For you, son, I have these!"  
  
He presented the young Ikari with a basketball and a baseball, both signed by the players of the Tokyo-3 Iron Train and Tigers, respectively. Shinji looked at his father quizzically.  
  
"Why did you get me balls, father?"  
  
His poor choice of words caused the entire line to erupt in laughter, which in turn caused him to blush.  
  
Gendo smiled, trying to keep the laughter from coming. "Okay, well, I suppose I could give you this lovely cello."  
  
Shinji cheered as Gendo presented him with the instrument. The Ikari men shook hands, and Shinji left the line.  
  
Behind him was Rei, who was beaming as he presented her with what she wanted. "Here you go, pictures of Shinji in various states of undress."  
  
Her crimson eyes welled up as she embraced him. "I love you, Gendo!"  
  
"Heh, I know I'm great. Next!"  
  
Behind her was Asuka, who was a little fried that she didn't get those pictures. Her frown was turned upside-down, however, when she was presented with something she'd enjoy just as much. "Video of Rei falling down all twenty-three flights of stairs at her apartment complex. And a fifty dollar gift certificate to the Tokyo-3 Bistro."  
  
Asuka took it, but looked a bit disappointed. Gendo rolled his eyes. "And, I guess, exclusive use of the experimental EVA rail gun."  
  
"Yaaaaaaaay! You're the best, Commander!"  
  
Yet another embrace, and yet another call for the next person in line.  
  
Maya was next, along with Shigeru.  
  
Gendo looked at both sternly. "I know what you two did."  
  
They gulped.  
  
"And my gift to you is that you will NOT be killed in your sleep tonight. And these lovely pens."  
  
They sighed and left the line.  
  
Next was Ritsuko. He smiled a bit. "You're gonna love this."  
  
She sneered. "Unless it involves you dying."  
  
"A golden Siamese cat, worth about three thousand yen."  
  
".It would be an absolutely wonderful gift. Thank you so very much!"  
  
Clutching the newest addition to her cat collection, Ritsuko returned to the party.  
  
Next was Kozo, who looked awful. "Ikari. thank God you're okay."  
  
Gendo smiled. "And for you, my old friend. every pornographic DVD you could ever want." ".I love you."  
  
Another hug, another call for the next person in line.  
  
--------------------  
  
The gifts now completely distributed, and everyone back enjoying cookies and eggnog, Gendo stood on the back of Unit 01 (who was also enjoying cookies and eggnog in an awkward fashion) and raised his glass.  
  
"Well, this has been a wonderful day. Everyone got presents, sang songs, and just lived life. The Major got the coat she wanted, and Mister Hyuuga got a piece. Evangelion Unit 01 learned that there's more to life than killing and eating your opponent. Kozo found the joy of Christmas again, and Ritsuko got a golden cat. And, most importantly, I learned that life is about living, not dying! We should live each day like it is Christmas, and cherish one another everyday we're on this Earth. So I say, MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL!"  
  
"And God bless us, everyone!"  
  
The crowd looked to the right to see PenPen, wearing a scarf and holding a crutch. To say they were bewildered would be putting it lightly.  
  
PenPen stared back, his eyebrow raised. "What?"  
  
Still they gaped.  
  
"Whatever. I'm going home."  
  
MERRY CHRISTMAS, AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR! - Caiman 


End file.
